I Gots Some Sand All Up in My Toe Jam From Runnin' From the Po-Po

Best line EVER The Duff sisters are officially genius.

Guess What? I'm a Stalker!!

So, I’m sitting at work minding my own business – surfing the internet, reading about strip clubs – the usual. All of a sudden my cell phone rang and it was an un-listed number. Despite my busy schedule I picked up the phone because I hate checking my voicemails. Usually, people call me and leave voicemails and then I don’t check them for like a couple of weeks and then it’s really annoying because I have cingular and I can’t delete in the middle of a message – I have to wait ALL the way until the end of the message before I can delete it. And since I usually wait so long to check them I’ve already spoken to the person a kajillion years before and the information relayed in the message is so boringly old I practically have to restrain myself from peeling off my eyelids in frustration.

Anyway – so this guy calls me and he is angry. And he asks me who this is and I’m like…this is real_pants, who is this? And he said it doesn’t matter who he is, but someone from my cell phone number has been calling him constantly all day. THREE WHOLE TIMES. (I would like to interject that aside from the fact that it’s a weird situation since clearly I haven’t been calling an unrestricted number all day – duh I’m busy working – three times does not a stalker make.) So I said, in very good humor despite this man’s poor attitude, “That’s impossible, I’m at work and I don’t know who you are.” But he wouldn’t listen to reason, and then yelled at me and told me that I’d better stop or he’s going to report me. And I was right in the middle of telling him he could report away, tell whomever he darn well pleases, when he hung up on me.

How rude is that?

Obviously something’s going on with my cell phone, but besides the strangeness of the situation, I think that guy is really rude and slightly stupid. Rude because he was mean to me. And stupid because who is he going to “report” me to? Who cares? Do you think the police care that some person called him three times in a day and then hung up? No, they are busy catching serial killers and eating donuts and having sex with prosthetics specialists (shout-out, Dexter!). So anyway, I hope he calls me back so I can tell him that he’s a total imbecile and has the IQ of the sock that my cat dragged into her litter box the other day.

I’m sure that if he’d approached the situation in a calm and collected manner we could have gotten to the bottom of the great cell phone calling mystery. But instead he was mean and hung up on me so now all of you will feel the great void in your lives of never knowing who it really was that called him.

Cultural Sensitivity in the Translation Industry

Real_Pants: according to the site meter, someone in china, mexico and canada and portugal has signed into our website
i'm beginning to think they are making things up
it also says both houston AND irving texas...
Kickmeup: weird...
maybe it's like some sort of weird remote thing
CHINA? i mean come on
like they'd even ALLOW china to read it!
Real_Pants: people in china read CHINESE
not american
Kickmeup: EXACTLY
goddamned simplified chinese is what they read
certainly not american english!
Real_Pants: yeah they're not fooling anyone with their slanty eyes
Kickmeup: oh my god we're so getting fired.

Super Sistah Hannukah POWER!

Before I begin today’s post, I’d like to give a shout out to McDallas, our newest recruitee and devoted reader of this blog. That makes 4 people (including myself and Kickmeup)!!

Christmas season has arrived. I want to try really hard not to succumb to the typical New York blogger’s Christmas season postings. These involve talking about how much people who aren’t New Yorkers suck. Even Gawker has caught the plague this year and I completely agree with everything they say so I’m not even going to go there.

Soooo, what can I talk about BESIDES how my life when not cowering in bed beneath 8 layers of blankets has become overwhelmingly occupied with pushing non-English speaking pedestrians off of street corners? I know, let’s discuss something that has been lacking from my life – something that I feel I need in order to truly be whole. I need to be someone’s Sistah.

I am someone’s sister – that is I’m brother_pants’ little sibling. Fine, that’s just fine. But I want to be a sistAH! I want to walk down the street and have someone think, “Oh, there’s my sistah,” and then they’ll scream across the street at me “Hey, sistah! I’m over here,” and I’ll wait until no cars are coming and strut over and be like, “Hey, what’s up?!” I feel like being a Sistah would be a really great experience and make me feel like I’m doing something more with my life than being a sexy white lady. On TV everybody’s always talking about Sistahs. On the Amazing Race the Sistahs are the first all woman team to make it to the top three!! That’s really impressive! If I were a Sistah I’d have that chance also. This whole sistER thing has been really holding me back in life.

Nigger_nose, can I please be your Sistah? Sometimes I take the A train…that should be reason enough.

Paris Hilton's Vag

You know what I’m tired of? Paris Hilton. I’m so over hearing about Paris Hilton. I crave new, non-Parisian gossip. It’s all I see nowadays, and it’s boring and old. Everybody knows Paris is an ugly, tranny-like rich whore so why are they always surprised when she acts excessively like an ugly, rich prostitute? It shouldn’t be on the news. It’s like, everybody knows that I breathe so I don’t continuously post blogs about my breath. Like, for example, if this blog looked like this:

6:01 am EST
I breathed in!

6:02 am EST
I exhaled!

6:03 am EST
OOPS! Inhaled…

6:04 am EST
Despite having inhaled a minute ago, I just exhaled.

8:30 am EST
I just arrived at work! I did a lot of breathing on the way here today…

I’d probably be going through oxygen withdrawal because I’d only be breathing once a minute but still, you get the gist of what I’m saying, right? How I’m making a comparison between me breathing and Paris Hilton acting out? How me breathing, an involuntary action, is the same thing as Paris Hilton making the gossip news for doing something inane? You see?

Anyway, I really think that people should start ignoring her and get back to some REAL gossip for me because I need to do something when I’m at work that’s not working.

Also, I just re-read Kickmeup’s post from last week and I’m seriously re-disturbed. She should really cut down on the diet coke.