I am the Ultimate Fighting Champion

I will never understand subway etiquette, which is why I chose to completely ignore it. And I don’t understand why other people can’t do the same. Because a subway car is a dog-eat-dog world; it is a competitive stratosphere where there are no winners. Except for me, of course.

I will now explain why the whole concept of giving up your seat is completely ridiculous.

First of all, what constitutes a weaker rider? Obviously this criterion is based upon a superficial judgment that is almost always wrong. You might say, for example, that people who are older are weaker. But that’s not necessarily true. How do you even know if a person is older than you? Just because they have more wrinkles doesn’t mean they have more years. If there is an old lady and she’s covered with wrinkles and all hunched over and missing teeth I suppose one could deduce that she’s old. But that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s weak! The old people in this city have no right to pull the whole “oh I’m so old I can’t stand up” trick. You have to be tough and resilient to survive in this city especially if you’re old. And if an old person is really sick and about to die then they should take a cab. By the time they’ve walked around outside, down into the bowels of the earth and battled their way into the subway car I think that any argument for them not being able to stand up during the ride is null and void. When I’m sick and riding the subway and about to faint all over the place I am officially weaker than the old man who’s reading the paper in front of me. But nobody offers me a seat. Move it old man!!

Second of all, pregnant women have no right to exploit themselves to get a seat. It is a voluntary action to become pregnant and they should deal with the repercussions. I’m not going to give up my seat to a pregnant lady because she had a choice to let a person grow inside of her and make her have to pee all the time and cause her back pain. I will not allow her narcissistic urge to create a miniature version of herself to get in the way of my pre- or post-work nap. And, once again, if you’re so tired take a cab.

Third of all, children should not be allowed to sit on the subway – period. They are young and full of energy and therefore should have to stand. They spend all day playing and crying and eating cookies. I spend all day working and making money to pay my bills. I am more tired than the children.

In conclusion, subway seats should be first come first serve. And even though this means sometimes I will have to stand, it’s okay because so will the old, the pregnant, the crippled and the children. And since I can easily shove all of these people out of the way, I am the only subway winner.