I'm Down With Retarded

I am discovering this whole blog this is a lot harder than it seems. You need to have a topic every day. I am obligated to entertain the masses – meaning kickmeup and Man#1, the only two people who read this. What if I don’t have a topic? What if I fell into a slack jawed sleep on the train to work and therefore missed the visual stimulants necessary for my blogging lunacy?
I was going to write about retarded people this morning. Not as in mentally disabled retarded but as in people who act really stupidly and are therefore retarded by proxy of me. Then I was going to tell the story about how I once went on a date to a wine bar with this guy who quoted Sideways and then, after he got me good and drunk, screamed at me outside the bar when I informed him he would not be having the sex with me that night or ever. So I was going to draw a fancy parallel between the two and come to the conclusion that the stupid wine bar guy is retarded.
Speaking of the disabled, how are we supposed to tell if someone is a midget or just really short? I’m pretty sure the cashier at Sophie’s Cuban Cuisine still qualifies as being just short.
I can say these things because, much like when I make fun of Jews, I am short and often quite retarded. The only difference between, for example, wine bar guy, and me is that I am fully aware of my retardedness. And that makes me cool.