Seriously, Put it Away
Halloween is over but let us take this time to reflect on the most disturbing costume sighting of the night. There are several runners up including the guy in my office who dressed like – oh god I can’t even describe the horror – a grandmother giving her baby grandson a piggyback ride. The visual was far more vomit inducing than the description because it involved a very large fat man with cheek stubble wearing a fleece baby bonnet. Then there was the old man on the train wearing leather pants, vest and motorcycle boots. I’m not even sure if it was a costume, but I am positive he had the biggest frontal bulge I’ve ever seen. I’ve seen a lot of bulge, and this man’s package was no smaller than the size of my head. Granted I have an absurdly small head, but even so it’s quite impressive.
But the winner of the night was the pregnant pirate. First of all, NO. Second of all, ICK. My theory of NO and ICK is as follows. In my opinion, a real lady-pirate would never let herself get all knocked up. I mean, I can barely walk to the subway when I have a stomachache. Can you imagine trying to rape and pillage when you have a baby inside of you consuming half of the nutrients in your body and giving you a uterus ache for 9 months? It just wouldn’t work logistically. Not to mention the fact that a Pirate ship is a man’s world. It’s like all those 80’s movies where the female broker is trying to move up in her financial firm but all the men on the board of trustees don’t want to promote her because they’re afraid she’ll want to get married and make tons of babies and not have time to finish her work. If the lady-pirate wants to keep her position she does not have a baby. And the crew would hardly stand to have a pregnant pirate on board! They’d most certainly take her to the plank.
On the subject of ICK I say: put your gross, hard, round pregnant belly AWAY. I do not want to see it. I don’t know who’s idea it was to tell all these women that it’s okay to walk around with their pregnant parts hanging out, but I want to have words with them. Because it’s not true at all. Putting the weird pirate thing aside, pregnant women look misshapen and their bellies are full of liquid and small people!!! That’s disgusting!! I think it’s best if they kept a layer of fabric between their stretched-out skin and my retinas.
So I’m going to go eat some more M&M’s and decide whether or not to order Cuban rice for lunch. Now we can all start looking forward to the next national holiday – my birthday.
But the winner of the night was the pregnant pirate. First of all, NO. Second of all, ICK. My theory of NO and ICK is as follows. In my opinion, a real lady-pirate would never let herself get all knocked up. I mean, I can barely walk to the subway when I have a stomachache. Can you imagine trying to rape and pillage when you have a baby inside of you consuming half of the nutrients in your body and giving you a uterus ache for 9 months? It just wouldn’t work logistically. Not to mention the fact that a Pirate ship is a man’s world. It’s like all those 80’s movies where the female broker is trying to move up in her financial firm but all the men on the board of trustees don’t want to promote her because they’re afraid she’ll want to get married and make tons of babies and not have time to finish her work. If the lady-pirate wants to keep her position she does not have a baby. And the crew would hardly stand to have a pregnant pirate on board! They’d most certainly take her to the plank.
On the subject of ICK I say: put your gross, hard, round pregnant belly AWAY. I do not want to see it. I don’t know who’s idea it was to tell all these women that it’s okay to walk around with their pregnant parts hanging out, but I want to have words with them. Because it’s not true at all. Putting the weird pirate thing aside, pregnant women look misshapen and their bellies are full of liquid and small people!!! That’s disgusting!! I think it’s best if they kept a layer of fabric between their stretched-out skin and my retinas.
So I’m going to go eat some more M&M’s and decide whether or not to order Cuban rice for lunch. Now we can all start looking forward to the next national holiday – my birthday.
posted by eva at 11:01 AM
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